Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
