i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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