My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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