I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
