I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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