i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Found your dick twin last night
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
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