I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
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How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
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I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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