Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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