i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We had sex on a dog bed..
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
