I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
