im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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