I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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