So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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