Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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