I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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