I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
