You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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