I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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