What did we do last night that was yellow?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
