Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just invented taco cereal.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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