Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
