woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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