i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just high enough for therapy.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
