I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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