Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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