You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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