i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
