at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
