I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
