Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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