Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
