i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
