My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
