I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
