on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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