i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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