I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
