i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
