also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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