Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
