Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
