I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.