Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
