does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
