Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
