i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
