how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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