I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
How does it feel to date your dad?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
