All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
