So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
