I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
