dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
