I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My breasts were aching with rage.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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