when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
