i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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